Nerd Demographics - Band Geek

This is the first in our series exploring and celebrating the glorious cornucopia that is nerddom. Because who doesn't love the application of subjective nomenclature? I mean, really.


Description: In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention here that not only do I have a degree in music, I also attended band camp when I was in high school. For three years. BAND CAMP, people. So I know from Band Geeks. Just sayin'.

It's easy to spot Band Geeks when you're in high school or college - they're the ones in marching band uniforms, lugging a trombone case on to the bus, or wearing a piano scarf/tie. Successful Band Geeks will then go on to become music teachers. If they have truly attained Nerdvana, Band Geeks will become music professors, or professional musicians.

But some go underground after school is done. Some Band Geeks, myself included, look just like other nerds. We could be the girl at the coffee shop! That guy two cubicles over! We could be watching you RIGHT NOW. So here's some handy tips to spot underground band geeks:

1. They laugh at the jokes no one else laughs at in MST3K. There's a shit ton of insider musical jokes in MST, (Mike Nelson = underground Band Geek), so if you don't get the reference, it's probably about some obscure 20th century composer.

2. Tapping fingers. See someone wearing headphones at work? Watch their hands. If they are not only tapping their fingers, but appear to be mimicking the fingering on an instrument, there's your answer. If they do it with two hands, you're looking at a pianist. If they touch their fingers into their thumb, like they're counting, they play a wind instrument. If they only use three fingers - trumpet or french horn. Three fingers, but really fucking slow? Tuba. (Feel free to mock the tubists. They're used to it.)

3. Music detritus. This requires a little detective work, but sometimes underground Band Geeks have telltale paraphernalia hanging around their house. Look for: coffee mugs that say "AbsoFLUTEly!"; small equipment like reeds, rosin, neckstraps, key oil, music stands; more than one CD of the same symphony, just with different conductors.

How to make friends: "You know, I like the 5th and the 9th okay, but I think that my favorite Beethoven symphony is the 7th."

How to get them into bed: Say the bit about the 7th, and then say, "I love the play on the fugue in the second movement."

How to make enemies: "Yeah, I played trumpet till the seventh grade, then I quit to join football."